Today, I remembered. I had been asleep, dreaming that I was awake. But I was only resting until my consciousness stirred. My eyes opened. I took in a deep breath and the view of my life. That’s when I remembered: I could be awake.
“Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity…” — Big Book of AA
“I have no concern at all whether anybody loves me. I have one concern: Can I love you? Exactly as you are, and I don’t need anything to change?” – Mark Houston
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offense, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Master, let me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in pardoning that one is pardoned,
it is in dying that one is raised to eternal life.
– Not by St. Francis
Tonight I was reminded of why I love my recovery: Because I had nothing to do with it. If I could stay sane on my own, I wouldn’t need a god. That’s why some people stay sick — they think they’re staying sane but they’re not. We don’t drown in denial, we swim in delusion. I don’t have a choice between relapse or recovery, my choice is God. In health and in horror, I choose God. He figures out everything else. Now, I let Him.