Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we’re feeling higher and higher.

I’m starting to write less sloppily here: https://vanessagomezpereyra.medium.com/

OK, so I never did AA really.

There was nothing there for me. Just a bunch of old white dudes talking about how bad they wanted to drink but at least they were sober for 20 years straight.

I was like, ew what? I don’t want that. I want Blue Moon, bye.

Then I had to go to these meetings that were an off-shoot of AA called the Big Book Awakening — BBA, for short. These were cool because the people that spoke at the podiums would tell me what their lives in their various addictions were like (BBA was open to all not just alcoholics because the core belief is the same: there’s a spiritual malady that must be treated) and how they recovered and I believed them.

They were funny, smart, well-spoken, I wanted to be like them. But I had to face a lot of ugly dumb stupid truths about myself. Oh yeah, and I had to relinquish control of my life and let God take over. Laaaaammmeee-NOT. Best decision ever.

Anyway, the point is that I’ve been asked to speak at more regular AA meetings lately via Zoom. So I do. And I don’t mention BBA because it isn’t really widely accepted and there’s a lot of criticism around it. Mainly because they don’t chant: Don’t drink no matter what! One day at a time! Think through the drink! Like, what the hell? If I could do any of those things, I wouldn’t be crawling on my knees into this shithole dump of a church basement hiding from a probation office and looking for a solution to keep me sober forever, morons.

What I found in these regular AA meetings via Zoom recently are the same thing I found over 12 years ago when I attended my first one: There is no hope. No one talks about their selfishness and self-centeredness. No one talks about doing God’s will instead of their own. There were men sitting there in despair and no one had the solution for him which was right in the damn Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous! You know, that thing these meetings are supposed to be based on?

So immediately, I’m like OK people are dying in these rooms and now I totally understand why my group of Big Book thumpers try to approach this work with love and tolerance instead of the pushy preachiness I immediately went to. Peoples lives are on the line.

That said, I’m going to start attending these meetings more regularly even though I really don’t like them and I hope hope hope hope hope I have something important to say so that someone can come over to the bright side and seek God but I hope I can do this without completely shutting everyone off to the idea of whatever they may be willing to conceive “God” to be. And this can only be accomplished with God’s help so though I’ve been sitting in this thought for a weekend, this line keeps coming up: “…and though he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.”

[That’s me doing the scoffing, btw, at being able to get anyone to open up a Big Book at these regular AA meetings but whatever, I’mma remain to pray.]

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