The Crisis of Doubt

Hi 2021. How are you? Scattered, you say? Aw, well… I think most people feel that way these days. I, for one, can relate.

My thoughts and my actions and my beliefs are spread out in front of me, they aren’t currently contained. And with crystal-clear clarity I see them laying out, no – they aren’t within me. If they were all on top of a blanket, I could pick it up and shake it off and be left with a clean slate – hey, that might just be the answer.

The last few months of 2020 I spent a considerable amount of time noting all the things I didn’t get done. It wasn’t done in self-flagellation, but rather acceptance that I chose to do other things instead. Except that 50% of the time, I was asleep dreaming I was awake – so how much of a choice I had can be left for debate. I went through motions day in and day out, life on cruise control. While I cruised, the end of the year came like a fatal stop sign, the period at the end of a book, the PS to a letter I didn’t want to read.

Here is the thing.

The things I wanted things changed. Suddenly, my entire DNA evolved – my desires craved a life I didn’t have. The life… I knew it was improbable. Also, I didn’t know if God wanted it for me, so I didn’t say anything. Still, I schemed to make it happen. My mind folded in on itself trying to make it all work and instead, I just got a skull full of crumpled thoughts. So, I gave up. I’ll always be indebted to people who pulled favors, that I’ll never be deserving of all the things I take for granted… This is just who I am and I can’t do any better.

Part of me wants to share the miracles that unfolded when I gave up, but part of me doubts that any of it is still happening. God is good, isn’t He? His faithfulness is beyond my comprehension. This isn’t because I got what I wanted. It isn’t because I behaved and I was a good girl so now I’m rewarded. Its because I was struck by my beliefs that were killing me, and my ego was sprouting up again and I had no capacity to cut it back down to size.

The miracle is that my wants changed to what (I see now, I think) God wants for me. The reason I think these are God’s desires for me is because they surely aren’t mine and haven’t been for a long time. But then it was all I wanted. When I finally arrived at that conclusion, He made it happen in only the effortless and light way that God can. There is nothing I could’ve done to control how it all turned out. There is nothing I could’ve done to make it all any better.

It is true what it says in “Abundant Living” about humans being created to be Christ-like, it is the most natural thing in the world for us. But when we overthink it and get influenced by our society, we stray. We miss the mark. We transform the easy path in front of us into a life-threatening hike across the opening of a volcano and then lament that this walk to the grocery store is just so hard.

It feels bad when I go against that divinity I’ve been given. Its much easier to follow it and reject the world than it is to reject the divinity and follow the world. JK, no its not. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it is but in the moment, who wants to go against the world? Exhausting.

But yet, it happens. Its happening. And I didn’t even really have to do anything but ask God to help me. And He showed up.

This isn’t why I “believe” in “a god” – this is how I know God.

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